When Helping is Hurting

I gave a presentation to a group of sixth graders and asked an innocent question, “Who here earns money?”  As I expected there were those who mowed lawns, babysat, shoveled snow, folded laundry, etc. to earn cash.  These kids weren’t “working papers” ready, and they took great pride in earning their own money – and not too surprisingly, they seemed to be more discriminating on how they spent it, and had a solid understanding of what was an item or service that they needed versus something they wanted.

A pretty little girl sat with her arms crossed and called out that her parents didn’t want her to work; they wanted her to focus on her studies.  I smiled.  Isn’t earning money, working hard and being responsible a lesson unto itself?  Isn’t that more valuable than memorizing and regurgitating some meaningless facts for the short-term gratification of a good grade, only to have this cycle start all over again?  She wasn’t done talking, not by a long shot – and it was very revealing, indeed.

“Is food a need or a want?” I asked – a ridiculously easy question.

“A need!” they shouted.

“Now is Starbucks a need or a want?”

“My Mom can’t live without coffee!” someone called out.

“Me either,” I admitted, “But is paying $20 a week for it a luxury, a want?”

That’s when my little friend piped up again, “Starbucks is absolutely a need!  I have to have Starbucks!”

“How convenient,” I thought, “You get to have your expensive coffee and someone else pays.”

It’s tempting to make life so good for your kids that you actually thwart their progress.  There is great wisdom in the old proverb, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”  So when is “helping” really not so helpful?  When is helping actually hurting?

Keeping your kids isolated from the realities of life doesn’t stop the responsibilities from coming; it only retards their ability to respond appropriately to the challenges.  Again my little friend had a nugget to offer up, “My parents don’t want me to get a job until after I graduate college.”  Perhaps I went a tad over the line here, but my reply was simple, “Do you think it would be helpful or harmful if your Mom said to you: ‘Honey, don’t bother learning to read.  I will go to college with you and read out loud to you every night from your textbooks.  Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.’   Finally, she was silent.  The other kids thought that idea was dumb or worse, embarrassing to have mom reading to them in college.

When you deprive a child of rising to the occasion so you can look like a hero, it is harmful.  The message can easily be construed as the world is your servant; or worse, you are incapable of handling this yourself.  All the children who earned money had one thing in common: confidence.  They were excited to share that they could be trusted to be responsible and to do a good job.  The end result, of course, is that they treated that money differently than if it was a handout.  If we are to hope that they will be motivated, productive and responsible with their money – shouldn’t we start these good habits as soon as they are able to assert themselves and earn some money?  Now that would be more helpful than making sure that they memorized their way through school, don’t you think?

Authored by: Anthony Dina Isola

Dina Isola, President of Real$martica, Inc. - COO and Director of Investor Relations, ATI Investment Consulting, Inc. Following a successful career in marketing communications in the financial industry, Dina and her husband, Anthony, founded a registered investment advisory firm, ATI Investment Consulting, Inc., and ultimately the idea for the educational company Real$martica, Inc. was born. In dealing with investors and hearing their concerns, she spearheaded ATI’s investor education efforts, coordinating with local libraries and townships to offer free investor education seminars. She has volunteered her time, writing financial articles and has conducted investor education classes geared to family financial matters. She is President of Real$martica, Inc. and is COO and Director of Investor Relations for ATI Investment Consulting, Inc. and personally handles all communications for both firms. She is active in her local business community and serves on the Brookhaven Business Advisory Council and is a member of the Three Village Chamber of Commerce. She earned a BA in English and Communications from Fairfield University. She is a registered investment adviser, and is a licensedreal estate salesperson in New York State.  Prior to founding Real$martica, Inc. she was a Vice President in charge of marketing communications for a privately-held investment management company in New York City.  She has worked in the financial industry since 1987. thumb_tony_isolasAnthony T. Isola,  President, ATI Investment Consulting, Inc. Anthony has married his passions, investing and education. He is President and founder of ATI Investment Consulting, Inc. (“ATI”) a registered investment advisory firm. His vast knowledge in matters of finance brings a well-rounded perspective to all that he does. As an educator, he has a natural ability to explain complicated economic and financial concepts and make the practical application of these concepts come to life. In working with clients, he recognized how overwhelming building a financial plan can be, especially when most investors are vulnerable due to their ignorance on financial matters. He prides himself on empowering investors to understand how to look out for their interests and not fall prey to financial arrangements that will take them off goal.  In addition to managing assets for clients, he has counseled investors on social security benefits, retirement income assessments, and college planning. He teaches history at Plainview Old Bethpage Middle School and oversees students’ participation in The Stock Market Game and financial literacy for the Plainview Old-Bethpage Central School District. He has taught financial related courses to children, parents and staff members in the district, as well as to Long Island residents. He holds a New York State Permanent Certification (in Social Studies). He earned a BA degree in Economics from Boston University and a MS degree in Secondary Education from Hofstra.  Prior to teaching, he worked as a foreign currency trader in New York City for large international banks.

There are 3 comments for this article
  1. Max Malone at 1:15 pm

    I think this kind of teaching although valuable runs the risk of tumbling down a very precarious slope when you confront the morals embraced at home. Furthermore, opening up a child to ridicule vis-a-vis the mother at college scenario could be a conduit to bullying.
    Many people as an aspect of their upward mobility have changed zip codes, schools, careers etc. to provide a better life for their children. Allowing students to focus on their education rather than having to help the family by “working in the fields” is a source of great pride.

    • Doreen Guma at 4:24 pm

      Max, Thank you for your comment! I appreciate it very much. As a parent, and in my own experience, I know the importance of a good education and spending time in studies. I also know that working does give us a chance to figure things out for ourselves, and it does provide feelings of self-sufficiency, confidence and empowerment. In retrospect, I realized that it was so important to helping me figure things out and learn and grow. It led me into a career I liked, and let me learn what I did not like. And, it gave me pride. I think Dina’s article was to shed light on how we become self-sufficient. If we’re told we “can’t” do something, it may actually hurt us. In this case, the child can possibly grow with the idea that work is a bad thing. In my opinion, dependency on any organization or individual may be hurtful to a person’s spirit of independence.

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